i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
