It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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