so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
