I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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