If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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