Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
