I could make wine with my vomit
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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