I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize