I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
