Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
