You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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