The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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