I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
