dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When did angry sex become our thing?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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