Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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