So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
