I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
