This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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