Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
