The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im six kinds of drunk right now
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
my shit smells like andre
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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