i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize