He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
