how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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