I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
