not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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