are you so shy because you have an std?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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