my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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