Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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