I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
