He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
