I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
