Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
