evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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