I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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