I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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