So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You need Xanax blowdarts
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
