i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
