I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
