as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize