I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
