i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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