Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The best revenge is premature balding
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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