I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
