well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
