You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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