I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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