Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
