I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
