Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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