took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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