The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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