If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
