I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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