Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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