i think my tv is drunk
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's Friday. Sex?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
