last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Someone shattered a urinal.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
