All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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