Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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