I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
