He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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