I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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