Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
