i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
