All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
