K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
