Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
