I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
