My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
