life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
