I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
