I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize