So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
