Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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